Salutations, faithful followers. No doubt my long absence has disappointed you greatly. Perhaps your life has lost all meaning in the wake of this most tragic of losses. But don’t fret, I have returned to bring purpose back to your otherwise meaningless existence. First, a brief explanation regarding my absence. I have spoken before about the pitfalls of having multiple stomachs—a condition humans could not possibly fathom. Recently, one of my stomachs betrayed me—a betrayal most foul (in every sense of the word). You gasp, but it is true: Gastronomicans (despite being infinitely superior) fall sick too. Strangely enough, I contracted a human illness. This was something that I did not think possible. This insidiously irksome affliction has the nerve to bear the first five letters of my beloved home planet! It is called ‘gastritis.’ I was surprised to learn that on Earth, unlike on Gastronomica, diseases are not sentient and do not possess personalities. This makes them far less interesting, and therefore far more difficult to bear, in my opinion. For instance, although contracting the life-threatening breakdancing virus on Gastronomica might seem depressing, the disease’s upbeat, vivacious nature makes the experience anything but. And a deadly three-eyed amoeba bacterial infection is so affectionate, that you truly miss it once you are cured. But if this ‘gastritis’ did have a personality, it would be truly despicable and sadistic. Since the treatment prescribed for me was similar to that of a human (surprisingly), I was forced to endure severe diet restrictions. However, this enabled me to make many startling and exciting discoveries. Stomach-friendly and healthy food can be tasty as well! I know, I was as shocked as you. Below is a guide containing a few of my favourite healthy ingredients for those of you poor unfortunate souls who might have to face a traumatizing stomach affliction at some point (or for those of you who just generally want to eat healthier). There are many more of course, but these are my favourite.
Brown rice: brown rice is basically white rice on steroids. But in a good way. It is rice before it developed an inferiority complex and decided to shed the skin it was born with (along with several essential nutrients) to become fairer. A rampant occurrence in India, I believe.
Peanut butter: now this, is healthy food disguised as a delicious, indulgent treat. Sneaky little thing. You would never think that peanut butter could be good for you, but it certainly is (especially if it doesn’t have added sugar).
Fish: perhaps the healthiest of all meats, followed only by skinless chicken (which can be made interesting only by smothering it with strongly flavoured condiments). To be fair, calling fish a meat is definitely stretching it in my opinion (I miss the red stuff so much). But the healthiest and often the tastiest varieties are oily fish such as salmon and tuna.
Spinach: If you believe children’s stories and myths, this is an elixir for humans that travel by sea. Keep in mind it could give you larger than normal forearms.
Garlic and onions: I count these two together because separating them should be considered a crime. When you’re unable to season a dish with spices, garlic and onions can act as the primary source of flavour. They are so essential and go so well together that I have begun working on developing a hybrid plant that I call the Garnion.
Ginger: ginger is the root of all herbal remedies (see what I did there?). It soothes the stomach, supposedly helps with colds, and packs a flavourful punch.
Legumes: These include chickpeas and beans. They might produce some questionable reactions in many humans, but since I have a sterner stomach and the ability to switch off my olfactory senses, it does not bother me.